That inexplicable link between hunger, depression and weight fluctuations

I have been depressed for the past few days. The reasons vary from the mundane to the exotic. (For a better understanding of the situation kindly refer to earlier posts.) I haven’t been this depressed since the girl I was involved with died in a car crash.

I’ve been down and it’s getting so bad that even my co workers have started giving me weird looks. One very outspoken co worker went to the extent of saying that I looked like a truck had run over me. Asked to elucidate she said she’d seen a similar expression on a person’s face and that was in a hospital and the person in question had undergone an experience quite similar to being run over by a truck.

Torn – pocket – mouthed co workers aside I know I’m horribly depressed because I’ve chucked my weight loss plan out the window. Cookies, crisps, chocolates, candy bars, cakes – fattening, mouth watering goodies of every variety. You name it and I’ve eaten it. My average calorific intake is probably in the region of 20,000 to 30,000 calories per day.

I’ve been on the depression diet for a week now. One full week. And I’ve lost 3 pounds.

Cue – raised eyebrows, dropped jaws, crashing sounds made by coffee mugs dropped by incredulous disbelievers, etc, etc. Go back and read the figures twice and look up the adjectives in the dictionary. And no your eyes are not playing tricks on you. I’ve lost weight. Inspite of inhaling enough food to feed ten people I have managed to shed some of the poundage that has been the butt of jokes for eons.

Years of religiously drinking a horrible concoction of holy basil, tea leaves, ginger and lemon in warm water early in the morning, Atkins, South Beach, Long Island, (the diets, not the places,) jogging, running, biking, push ups and pull ups, stomach crunches, abexercisers – I must have fattened the coffers of a lot of kingpins of the weight loss mafia. And the worst part is, NOT A SINGLE BLOODY THING WORKED!

All it took was a heady mix of suicidal thought inducing depression and a diet comprising solely of JUNK BLOODY FOOD and the outcome was rapid weight loss. The fat melted off like an ice cube on a Miami sidewalk at the height of summer. I have finally fit into my old jeans and my new bought – it – for – 100 – bucks – off – the – roadside – vendor’s - rack hoodie. Small consolation. I’m still depressed remember? Even retail therapy, yes that’s when I got the hoodie, and finding a new flavor of ice-cream at Baskin Robbins did not help.

So folks forget about every diet you have ever heard of, including the diet coke, cocaine and cigarettes diet that supermodels go on before a fashion week. (What you didn’t know that? Where do you think Karolina Kurkova, the supermodel who got voted the sexiest woman alive on the planet a few days ago, got her body from? Apart from the discreet plastic surgeon that is. What you di……forget it. I’ll save that for another day. When I’m less manic depressive that is.) Forget about the gyms you frequent, break free from the shackles of weight loss bondage. Find a reason to be depressed, eat every damn thing that you haven’t eaten in eons and brood. The fat will go faster than a hot cake off the bakery shelf. It really and truly works. No dieting, No exercising, No VLCC, No Shahnaz Husain. Just good old depression and binge eating. Period.Enjoy.
Any one care to disagree?