Of hopeless bosses and their equally hopeless calls (early in the morning)

8:00 a.m. The cell phone rings. I’m back from the gym – all ripe and smelling like a lethal combo of ten day old socks, gouda cheese and unwashed armpits. I’m munching on a carrot stick (Hello? What did you expect – a cheese sandwich?) My theory that all calls between the hours of 11:00 p.m. and 9 a.m. will shortly be proved to be right.

Me – Hello

Boss – GOOD MORNING

Me – Yessir (no that’s not a misspelling, that’s the way I say it. Just a tiny little inflection on the double s; just enough to separate the syllable but not nearly enough to be completely legible.)

Boss – I hope I didn’t disturb you, are you comfortable, should I call you back after you’ve reached the office?

Me – (What I really want to say – Obviously you disturbed me you twit, who do you think I am? The bloody CEO with a barrage of cooks, drivers, waiters, assorted minions who are falling over themselves to do my bidding? I have precisely 45 minutes to bathe, dress, eat the rest of my sodding breakfast and make it out the door so that I can reach exactly on time. And by the way, we’re not exactly having sex here, so the part about me being comfortable is totally irrelevant you dimwit. And why the hell did you call now if you think that calling me at the office would have been better? I didn’t ask you to wake me up now did I? )
What I actually say – not at all Sir, everything okay?

Boss – long rigmarole involving his movements from the office the previous day to the doctor’s appointment, to the subsequent minor under local anesthetic surgery followed by a FULL description of medication, precautions and number of days he’ll be out of office.
When he’s done he proceeds to pass on an assignment to me that he’s already done and found to be absolutely pointless in a tone of voice that implies that I’m being handpicked for a plum assignment.

By the time he’s winding down, (Cues – gradual loss of enthusiasm, changes in voice inflections, increased use of Big Boss’s surname, etc. – What you want the full list?), I have already put this down as a stinker of a day. And guess what? When he finally hangs up I’m a full TWENTY FIVE MINUTES LATE for work.

I swear I have really, really BAD Karma.